How The App Store Saved What's Left Of My Life

A helpless case actually finds hope

smartphone

If anyone would have asked me what kind of person I was four months ago, I wouldn’t have given a very nice answer. The truth was that I hated myself and had never forgiven myself for mistakes I’d made in the past. Since my PTSD always made me too afraid to do anything, I ended up not living my life at all. I also felt like the ugliest, lazy and most useless person in the world because I couldn’t get and/or keep a job.

“It’s the testing process,” I told my husband. While the one-on-one interview always seemed to go well, I wasn’t able to pass any of the online tests that the companies always wanted me to take. Thinking I did a great job, I’d sit and wait to be offered a job, only to find out that I failed.     

Even if I had passed, that was no guarantee I would be a good employee. I frequently made mistakes and was unable to retain information in my fuzzy brain. Either that or the panic attacks would get bad again, and I would have to leave early. I’d cry and shake before work because I was afraid I’d get yelled at. There was nothing worse than that.

---

Plain and simple, I was a severely traumatized person for a long time. It took over my life to such an extent that I could barely get off the couch some days. So many unspeakable things happened in the course of my childhood and adult life that my nervous system was completely jumbled. I even tried medication to help with the panic attacks, but it provided minimal and temporary benefit.

I was so hypervigilant that I slept fully clothed, even with jeans, in case something terrible occurred when I was sleeping and I had to rush out of the house. I locked the door to every room I entered. For no reason, I’d get triggered when my husband was coming home from work or when my daughter woke up in the morning even though they mostly seemed cheery.

Not only that, but I also had a traumatized body. I spent most of the day in intense pain as my muscles flared up from stress and my stomach lurched. My muscles were scrunched up so tightly from stress for so long that I experienced daily soreness, especially in my neck, shoulders and back. I hadn’t relaxed fully in at least 50 years and wasn’t sure I even knew how.

A lot of my PTSD included dissociation, which feels like being the peeping tom in your own life. Sometimes, events taking place in the present felt like watching a movie of myself. The slightest stress in my life triggered me to block out and disappear because I couldn’t handle feeling my own feelings of anxiety and panic.

I also fell into victim mode, and I think that’s what hurt me the most.

---

When I got serious about healing, I realized I hadn’t devoted any time to taking care of myself or trying to get past my trauma into living in the present. When I accepted that it was going to take longer than I thought with no overnight results, it didn’t seem like such an impossibly huge task. Before that, my attempts at self-care had been half-hearted. I didn’t want to say nice things about myself. I didn’t think I could calm down long enough to meditate.

I don’t mean to imply that things are perfect today, but I feel significantly better since I started using the apps below. At first, some of them seemed silly to me, but now I swear by them. Whenever I use these things in the morning in some combination, it sets a positive course for the whole day.

I’m sharing these programs now in the hopes that all or part of it might help someone else find relief. I can’t be the only one who has been suffering in a similar way. In fact, I know I’m not.

When I was in AA, they talked a lot about the 10%, which means if somebody goes to a meeting and comes back having learned at least 10% of the lesson, it was successful and worthwhile. That’s what I’m hoping will come from this post.

---

Here are the three apps I found that offer the greatest help with my journey to healing:

The Reveri App:  I don’t make any commission on this app, but you would think otherwise as much as I gush about it. Of all the things I’ve tried, this has helped me the most. It’s a self-hypnosis app created by Dr. David Spiegel, Associate Chair of Psychiatry at Stanford University. It can help with all kinds of issues like quitting smoking and getting better sleep, but I’ve used it mostly for stress/anxiety, dealing with loss and pain perception, so far. If I use this a few times every morning, it sets the tone for a much calmer, more pain-free day. Another cool thing is their one-minute self-hypnosis sessions for everything imaginable.

The downside of Reveri is that it’s a little pricey at $24.99 per month in the App Store, but honestly I would pay twice as much based on the benefits I’ve gotten from it. There’s also a test when you first download it that shows how hypnotizable you are before you start paying for it.

Binaural Beats:  One more app that I use that helps tremendously is called the “Expand” app. It was created by the Monroe Institute using soundwaves along with exercises to target specific states of consciousness. The sounds are called binaural beats, an auditory phenomenon that occurs when listening to two frequencies at once. When these beats are sustained for a length of time, they can alter your brainwave activity.

The cost of Expand is $11.99 per month and well worth every penny. The music is beautiful and super soothing, and the exercises are easy and helpful. Make sure to wear headphones for the full effects. I have never walked away from a session without feeling refreshed and relaxed.

Apple Journal:  If you have an iPhone, Apple Journal is a free app that came with one of the more recent updates. It’s not just a blank page where you can type out your thoughts and feelings. You can add pictures, videos, music and just about anything you want. It even gives suggestions on things you can write about if you’re stuck. Getting it all out of my brain and into my journal helps quiet my mind and body, and It’s also a fun way to be creative.

Although Apple Journal is what I use for journaling, I know there are people who have other types of phones. There are apps out there like My Diary or Day One Journal that function basically the same way. As long as it helps you organize your thoughts and brings you relief. I think any one of them would be great.

---

As I said above, I’m certainly not cured of PTSD. I still have good and bad days, but I believe the good days are better than they used to be and the bad days not as devastating. For the first time, I like being present in the world and don’t feel so much like I have to hide from it. I love myself with the same powerful energy that I used to hate myself and, finally, I’m not faking it.

Working on healing has made me more compassionate and happy. As a result I feel like a better wife, mother and friend. Of course, I agree with talking walks in nature, birdwatching or sitting in the sun, too, but sometimes technology can be an unexpectedly beautiful thing

Wherever you are reading this, I hope this post brings you a little relief, too. If I can get better, I have the utmost faith in you every step of the way.