Take A Stand: Don't Change For That Man
The trouble with seeing yourself through another person
The first time it happened, I was a painfully shy ninth grader dating one of the most popular guys in high school. This was a boy who rarely talked to me, but one day he turned his head toward me and decided I would be his next girlfriend. After my initial panic, I agreed to go out with him. Who would actually be stupid enough to say no?
We held hands in the hallways and kissed, although I felt sure I was about to be dumped for someone else any second. On that first day of our “official” relationship, he told me this:
“I never want to see you smoking. Cigarettes are disgusting, and I don’t want to kiss a girl with ashtray breath.”
Zipped in my purse was a half-smoked pack of Marlboro’s, which I threw in the garbage as soon as he was out of sight. No big deal, I thought, I only smoked once in a while to be cool with my friends. However, in the process, I’d lost something else much bigger, my right to be me.
That relationship lasted a short three months, but I threw myself right into another one. It was my first experience feeling true love for somebody. We kissed and cuddled for hours like there was nobody else on Earth.
Still, he had rules and expected me to follow them. I had to know my place and when and when not to bother him. He told me not to wear a certain pair of pants that I liked and to tone down the makeup. I followed his orders without question, letting him be the boss while I was just “the girlfriend.” Every time he laid down the law, I obeyed despite the sting inside of knowing it was wrong.
After that, I met my husband and married him while we were both still twenty. My status went from “the girlfriend” to “the wife.” I’d already been told I was irresponsible and, therefore, felt it was his job to change that. I didn’t become responsible through learning and consequences. Instead, I became ‘his” kind of responsible.
For the next sixteen years, I walked on eggshells. Every day at 6:00 pm, I’d sit by the window so I could see the front driveway, trying to think of what I might have done wrong or if he was mad at me for something else. He never yelled or laid a hand on me, not once, but his look of disappointment was enough to turn a perfectly bright day all cloudy and miserable.
My second husband was a straight-out abusive man in every way you can imagine. He caught me when I was weak and vulnerable from my divorce and made my life hell for seven years until I finally divorced him. By then, I had become much more obedient, so much that when he put a tiny blue pill in my mouth, I swallowed it without question. This lit the fuse to the exploding bomb of horrible years of drug addiction. The fact that I stayed addicted wasn’t entirely his fault, but he pulled the trigger.
Interestingly, he also wasn’t a big fan of hearing the word no when he told me to do something. He didn’t like my friends, my wardrobe, my music, my tendency to want to go out once in a while. Breaking away from him was the bravest thing I’ve ever done, but it took years to accomplish because he kept ordering me back. I was nothing if not obedient.
In no particular order, here’s a partial list of things I have changed about myself for a man:
Colored my hair from brown to bleach blonde
Presented to like hardcore music
Drank heavily to keep up with him
Stopped drinking completely for 20 years at his insistence.
Gone on a diet
Bought him a window air conditioner
Paid his bills
Every time I did something like this, it felt like giving a piece of myself away. Still, in my confused mind, it was better to be in a relationship as a girlfriend or wife than to have nobody at all. I’d never learned what I liked and what my opinions were on things. I had rarely spent any time alone since I was fifteen.
I was wrong, though. Even during times when I was alone, I always had somebody. Me. Pulling back the curtain, I saw she had been there the whole time.
Here’s a shocker!
I got married for a third time several years ago. I’m sure it looks like I’m trying to beat Elizabeth Taylor’s record; however, as they say, the third time has been the charm. When we met, the last thing I wanted was another relationship. There were no more bars or online dating sites that I scrolled, desperate for any chance to be part of a couple again. That’s when my husband met me and saw me as the “real” Glenna, and he wanted to know more.
I took time to learn about myself and the things that bring me happiness. I always loved to read in high school, but I stopped because it wasn’t “cool.” These days, I read for joy, and I long for rainy afternoons where there’s nothing to do but put my nose in a book all day. When I put on makeup, I use the exact amount that makes me happy. I’m not so afraid of being judged anymore. “Let Whoever Think Whatever” is my new motto.
Every human being needs their time to dream and create and solve their own problems. Everyone should have a chance to speak their truth without being ridiculed. I’ve become more outspoken and stand up for things that matter to me. It’s not because my husband lets me do these things but because we support each other and are secure in that. Neither of us runs the show and yet we both do.
It’s strange, but being in relationships throughout my life have been my most lonely times. Now I know that nobody should have to lose themselves to make somebody love them. I feel confident that I can stand on my own because I’m building a strong foundation under myself in case I ever need it.
As incredible as it has been to have somebody truly love me just the way I am, I would never compromise who I am ever again to suit somebody else, and nobody has the right to ask. I’m glad to have learned that, even the hard way.
This kind of manipulation is particularly prevalent among insecure men who attempt to compensate by bullying.
They feel power , from the ability to
control their ‘partners’ lives and
remove their choices.
We as women have been trained to “go along to get along”.
The expression , ‘ if you get good a giving , they get good at taking’.
And take they will.
They will take your choices . Your plans , your self worth , your sense of style and your sense adequacy as a human being .
They will gift you with anger and resentment.
Hopefully that resentment will lead you to seek help in restoring your sense of self and your identity .And will strengthen your ability to seek your own desires and will teach you that your life is as important as anyone’s .
There is nothing worse than having a person you care for instill fear and an extreme desire to avoid fear by pleasing their twisted ego .
Find out what works for you to be happy .
And love your life .